Based on journalists’ reports and other published materials, I have assembled the following jokes for your enjoyment. The contents are half real and half fiction. I wrote the fiction part by creating an imaginary context whose purpose is to give you a good laugh rather than providing extra information.
Bill Clinton’s Astute Observations
Why he won in 1992: “It’s the economy, stupid!”
Why Hillary lost in 2016: “It’s the angry crowds, stupid!”
Why Al Gore lost in 2000: “It’s Monica, stupid!”
“Corporations Are People!”
Shorty after his re-election in 2012, President Obama invited his opponent Mitt Romney for lunch featuring hamburgers especially prepared by the White House chefs. The butler in the next room heard Romney saying out loud, “Hamburgers are people, too!” There they started debating again.
Move Over Darling
According to his biographers, President Lyndon Johnson liked to make his secretaries work through the night in the office. When they got tired, the sofas were there for them to lay down for a nap. One night Johnson came in and squeezed himself into the sofa where a secretary was resting.
“Move over! It’s your President,“ he commanded.
World’s Most Honest Politician
Winston Churchill had the strange habit of coming out of his bathroom totally naked (indecent exposure if you will). One evening a maid went into his bedroom to tidy things up for the night. She was shocked when Churchill suddenly appeared in a state of nature.
“Now you know that your Prime Minister has nothing to hide,” Churchill calmly reassured her.
World’s Smartest Tax Accountant
President Trump was advised to claim $59 million tax deduction for the total loss of 59 cruise missiles he ordered to be fired into Syria.
Members of the US Congress know that they will be denied coverage if they vote to privatize their own health insurance provided by the government. The reason is that they all share the same pre-existing condition — Their crooked eyes are permanently fixated on the ugly money donors, a condition that is impossible to cure.
What Makes Us Special
Many Americans don’t understand why we are not embraced as liberators when we fight a war on foreign soil. In WWII England which was our staunchest ally, an American soldier recalled what an Englishman said to him, “You are over-paid, over-sexed and over here.”
A Truth Not So Subtle
Senator Hayakawa from California often dozed off while the US Senate was in session. A reporter asked Senator Edward Kennedy to confirm the rumor because their seats were next to each other.
“I never saw Senator Hayakawa, I only saw his pillow,” replied Kennedy.
Somewhere in America, voting fraud is said to be rampant. To prevent it, the following regulations are written down for strict enforcement:
No persons may enjoy the pleasure of voting more than once on election day.
No children may vote.
Homeless or illiterate persons must write down their addresses.
Poor persons may pay a discount price of $1 for the voting forms.
Dead persons are not allowed to vote.